I was told
when you get older,
you start to lose your hearing.
I am 26
and “when you get older”
is apparently here,
‘cause I already feel the rumbling.
The school library is small,
every page is a world to get lost in.
He discovers how magnets work and dines with brave mice carrying meteoric swords.
How lucky to live in a world full of magic!
I am looking for:
B945.R233 I67
Shelves pass my periphery,
I am on the wrong floor.
Perhaps the books feel warmer in their coats of dust.
He reads “Him and Me” at show and tell.
He wants to be impressive.
Mrs. Scott beams and the class applauds,
his heart rewards him, thumping.
What poem to bring in next week!
I write good songs
and I am not afraid to share them.
When people listen,
I put two fingers on my neck and can’t tell
how is existing supposed to feel?
and why is he so much better at it?
He grew into me,
not the other way around.
We share some things,
Him and Me:
Orange is our favorite flavor
of Gatorade.
If you offer us a cookie,
we take that cookie!
But he was excited about flying
to his grandparents,
and I imagine the crash
as I tighten my belt,
thinking the choice unfair.
And the worst part is
that I know
the worst part,
which is
that I know he would
be so stoked
that he gets
to become,
me:
a
poet
programmer
game-designer
singer
songwriter
comedian
figure-skater
violinist
world-traveler
But life…isn’t a grocery list.
I enjoyed hugs more when I was five,
and was a better student when I was ten.
Maybe I should just steer my ship of Theseus
forward
and stop climbing the mast to look back at ripples.
Stop making five year letters.
Stop respecting his holy vision
for me.
If you don’t want the past to judge you,
don’t
look
at
him.
I love movies,
and I am afraid to rewatch my favorites,
because a better person watched them the first time.
This catharsis conundrum can be solved
by having children,
or friends,
so you can watch them watch the movie instead.
We see our reflected emotions in their innocent eyes
and fall in love with ourselves,
with what we were.
I wish I could say I started small and grew,
but I was a huge marble slab, every atom wide-eyed,
and I tried to keep
what’s important
but what’s important
is everything
and so Jacob chipped away and emerged.
Accidentally
losing
wonder.
Casually
polishing down
fearoutragelovelustjoygriefhopeshametrust
until there was a man who could do everything
wishing he was a boy who knew nothing.
The rumbling often subsides
but he never goes away.
I used to hear better
but now I have tinnitus.